Nearly Suicide
by LoveWithoutLimits
Summary: He really could of done it, it wouldn't of been on purpose but that doesn't matter because he really did just nearly kill himself. A futher look at John accidently setting his gun off.


**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, i just like to play with these things, have a little fun...

**Warnings:** Erm, mentions of near suicide but not rally suicide?? (if youve seen it then it wud make sense lol)

**This actually started out to go in a completely different direction, same plot but i intended this to be a slash, yes i will slash John and Derek, no one flame for incest cause i dont really care. The slash never actually happened for some reason..... so there are no warnings for it, i suppose you could make it slash if you imagined that they are together.. i'm rambling, lol. Read and you'll see. **

Nearly Suicide

John feels the shot reverberate through him, the impact on the wall echoing through his ears. He can barely feel the weight of the gun still in his hands as footsteps thunder through the halls, three figures appearing in his doorway. His eyes don't focus but he knows who is there and he knows what they see. He stutters out an explanation about cleaning out his gun, his mouth seeming to work on autopilot. He still clasps the gun tight.

It's not until Sarah asks about the his face that he feels the burn. He bites the inside of his lip against the sting and wonders how he never noticed it. He rambles off about a flying shell case and tries not to sound like that bit of information surprised him. He can feel the sting spread across one side of his face and its only the thing he can feel.

He has never been so happy for his mother to leave as when she does then. He knows he scared her but right now he cant think about that. He barely even notices that Derek is the only one that stays behind, standing in the door way, staring at John like he is trying to work out a puzzle. John can't look at him, cant face that. So instead he looks down at his hands, at the gun still encase by his fingertips. He shakes. He has felt the bullet go past him after he had thought he had cleared it. Another shake. One more inch back and it would have been his head in the target line. Another shake and this time it doesn't stop because god, he really could of killed himself.

Hands wrap around his and looks up into the face of his uncle. It only makes things worse. The fear on Derek's eyes is so clear that it hurts. John doesn't realise he is holding the gun so tightly until Derek tries to take it away from him. Somehow he cant let go.

"Come on John, let it go." Derek says softly, too scared he is going to startle his nephew. John doesn't release it. Derek sighs sadly and runs a thumb gently across the top of John's hand, tracing sow lines across the skin. Gradually John's hands start to loosen on the weapon and Derek has never been so relieved in all his life.

"That's it John." He coaxes, finally freeing the gun from the boys hands and placing it to the side. John's hands feel empty, they shake even worse with nothing to keep them steady. He doesn't feel the first tear fall.

"John?" Derek says fearfully. He has never seen John look as young as he now, so vulnerable. He takes his nephews hands in his own and wills them to stop shaking. "John, its okay, its okay." He tries, not sure who he is trying to convince.

"No." John mumbles, shaking his head, more tears falling now.

"No what?" Derek asks, holding John's hands even more firmly, needing the boy to know he was there.

"I didn't." John tries but his throat doesn't seem to what to work properly. "I didn't mean to." He forces out and his eyes focus in on Derek solidly. "I didn't mean to." He repeats, because he needs Derek to understand that.

"I know." Derek says firmly. "I know."

Just like that John breaks and his tears turn into sobs, heaving their way through him with such a force that it hurts. Being hunted by Terminators is one thing, it was something he could just about deal with. Being a danger to himself was something he couldn't. He knows it is hanging in the air, the unspoken statement, and it will hang there for ages to come. He could of killed himself.

Derek's arms are strong and solid as they encircle him, pulling John against him. His forehead rests against the mans shoulder and one of his hands fist into his shirt. He needs this, to know that someone cares about what nearly happened. He wonders when his mothers job became Derek's.

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**Reveiw? Pretty please, i dont get reviews no where near as much as i'd like :(**

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